December 2019 – No Solo Struggles

Grief During The Holidays

Have you recently lost someone special?

A grandparent passed away or a spouse walked away from your life together or even the loss of a beloved pet.

Grief takes many forms.

AND

Grief is hard enough the rest of the year let alone the holidays.

You have all those precious memories rushing back and overwhelm you.

I get it. You are not alone in this.

How are you expected to go on doing what you would do with your loved ones, without them?

Many people simply don’t.

They create a new tradition or avoid celebrating the holidays at all.

New traditions can be fun and exciting but avoiding the holidays is impossible.

They will come no matter how much you try to avoid them.

As a military spouse I have had to miss many holidays and miss even more precious moments with family.

When my grandmother passed away I had just found out I was pregnant with my second child and it was the day before my first child’s first birthday.

I fell apart. I just wanted to disappear.

Unlike a lot of people, I was very close to my grandmother.

I spent nearly every day for a month after getting home from abusive situation with her.

She helped me even when she had no idea she was.

We both had a passion for cooking and we would sit for hours talking about all the different ways to prepare things like asparagus.

When I got the call that she was gone..

I was 1,000 miles away from my hometown, baking my daughter’s first birthday cake.

I had no idea how I was going to pick myself up off the ground where I sat crying for hours and create a special day for my sweet Amelia.

I knew that my grandma wouldn’t want me mourning during Amelia’s first bite of birthday cake.

I was angry that I wasn’t there for my grandma and my family that was dealing with the loss first hand.

I was sad she would never met our sweet Charlotte Jean (she was named to have the came initials as my grandma, Clara Jean).

I was relieved that she was no longer feeling all the pain that she had been dealing with for years.

And I was joyful through it all because I knew that I would see her again someday.

But then the holidays come and the pain of her absence floods back.

Grief is so strange.

You experience it again and again over the same loss.

I am no expert in dealing with anything but I will share ideas that have helped me.

I think of the memories that I hold dear and I try to recreate them so that them memories I have can live in my children’s heart as they live in mine.

I give back in some way. Whether it is money or helping others who are in need or even just backing treats for friends. It doesn’t have to be a huge thing. Maybe a friend needs a babysitter or you can volunteer at a shelter. Whatever you are comfortable with.

I try something new. I have never been into going out in the cold to experience Christmas but this year I have on several occasions found myself outside experiencing new things to celebrate this time of year.

I have learned that it is okay to grieve over and over.

As long as you don’t let it hold you back from enjoying the life you still have.

So I say to you that no matter where you are and who you have lost..

I hope that you find a way to have joy in the holidays and experience life the way they would want you to.

I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

May you experience a peace that you never knew was possible among the grief you may feel.

Hope: Hard to Kill

There is a great song from a movie. Maybe you will recognize these lyrics??

Is hope believing that everything will work out for the better. (even in the worst of circumstances)

When walking through fire, hope means that you believe you will not be overcome by the flames.

Some think hope is foolish.

When your spouse continues to stray and disappoint, when your child has been overtaken by an incurable illness, or when you go into work to find out that instead of the promotion you have been fighting for, you are told that your services are no longer needed.

Is it really foolish?

Hope is necessary.

Without hope what would help us see past our current situation? What would drive us to get up in the morning?

I am sure you could say I get up in the morning because of my family but what if they are the struggle.

It definitely makes things more complicated.

We can not live life without hope.

Without hope

Your mind will wonder into the darkest part and stay there.

HERE is where contemplating suicide can creep in and you feel like you are worthless.

Allow me to be bold for a moment.

You are not worthless and if you are having feelings of suicide then talk to someone.

You are not alone.

Your mind is your greatest weapon and your worst enemy.

When you feel your hope fading what can you depend on to help let the light in?

Friends, family, a professional, a complete stranger, God?

It seems easier on the outside looking in at Christians but I can tell you is definitely isn’t.

I have fought hard to keep hope alive and I have fought even harder since becoming a follower of Christ.

Since becoming a Christian, I have experienced abuse, disappointment, divorce, PTSD, loss, and more.

But I have also experienced mental and emotional healing, forgiveness, grace, and so much more incredible things like become a mother to two insanely loved little girls.

It would be so easy to blame those in my past for what has happened to me and to wallow in self pity but that doesn’t help anyone.

It doesn’t make me feel any better and those who have wronged me don’t all of a sudden feel the need to apologize.

Hope is to no assign blame for the bad.

Hope is knowing that when the bad comes, there will be good that will come and be so bright that it will overwhelm the bad causing it to shrink into insignificance.

Yes it is hard to have hope but it is even hard to kill.

This is such a heavy message and I wanted to end it on a higher note. So here is a great song from one on my favorite artists.

Remember to have HIGH HOPES

Have high hopes and enjoy the life you have been given.

Trigger Happy or… NOT

According to the video, she states that emotional triggers are anything that causes a strong response such as fight or flight.

Another way to think of it is that it is a survival instinct. Whether it is necessary or not.

A lot of the time, these triggers cause an inappropriate response that is very hard to understand for you and the people around.

Emotional triggers can be good or bad.

A good trigger would be smelling cookies in the oven which can trigger a memory of walking into your grandma’s who was always baking you something yummy, giving you a sense of comfort or joy.

A bad trigger is more of what people recognize.

A bad trigger is seeing someone that looks like an ex that you had a rough break up with. You have an intense reaction of fear or anger just by seeing a similarity within a complete stranger.

It sounds a little irrational, right?

Well, just last night I experienced that. I saw someone who, in the lighting, looked like my ex.

I froze.

My husband had told me who he was beforehand but I still reacted.

Did the guy or my husband know? No

I kept repeating what my husband had said and I knew it wasn’t him. It took me a minute but I managed to push through the trigger and no one had a clue that I had experienced such a surge of fear, so much so that I couldn’t move.

This all happened within a 30 second time frame but it felt like an eternity.

This event also occurred years after the abuse that created this trigger. I reacted quite well compared to how I have in the past.

I want to dive a little deeper into my past to expand upon this topic with another personal experience.

It was soon after I had married my current husband.

I had been in a silent struggle for a couple months because I was terrified to upset him. He never knew it nor would he understand it.

We got into an argument and he voice changed ever so slightly.

Next thing I know, my heart is racing and my hands are shaking. I can’t figure out if I am scared or just angry.

I have tears building and causing my vision to blur and when I looked at my husband..

It wasn’t him.

My heart was just about to crash through my chest as I am now face to face with my ex again.

I ran into the bathroom and hid.

Can you imagine what my husband of a few month was thinking??

Probably along the lines of what in the world just happened????

He didn’t sign up for life with me knowing that he was going to have to talk me down again and again.

After I had calmed down I talked to him about what had happened and he comforted me but that was only the first of many episodes..

PTSD is a serious thing and it takes serious work to live with.

You hear a lot about soldiers having PTSD and that they are triggered by a lot of things that would make you want to crawl under a rock than try to deal with it.

You don’t hear about people recovering from abusive relationships or even a mom that had a traumatic delivery.

But here is the problem with all of it.

Your mental health is so important, whether you have served this country or whether your a single mom just trying to get by.

Everyone at some point has picked up a trigger or two, not always good ones.

Through a bad relationship, being laid off, a death of a loved one, a traumatic experience, a dead beat parent, a bully, etc.

You are not alone. You may feel crazy when you are triggered because you can’t even explain why you react the way you do.

Many will try to avoid the triggers and many successfully do for a while but is that healing??

You don’t heal from a broken bone by just avoiding it or ignoring it.

Triggers are like this open wound that has been left untreated so it starts to fester then the pain really sets in.

No one likes to get a cast or to get a wound debridement but sometimes it is necessary so that you can heal properly.

Are you getting it yet??

By avoiding triggers, you are avoiding healing.

By avoiding triggers, your health is declining.

By avoiding triggers, you can not move forward.

It is not easy.

I avoided my triggers to the best of my ability and by doing so my life began to fall apart.

I would shut down, put up walls, avoid going out.

I have been working on myself for years and I find more triggers as life goes on.

Know that I am not saying it will be easy but you are not alone and you will survive this because if you are striving to heal then the triggers will fade and will become bearable.

Instead of running to the bathroom to hide, you will be able to remind yourself of what the truth is and win the battle raging in your mind.

Reach out, work on yourself, and move forward.

Do you have any triggers, big or small, that you avoid?

Are there ways you think might help you get through a trigger? If so comment them.

You never know who your tip might help.